Should I Talk to Him About Marriage?
Question: I’m a 20 year old single mother and I’ve been in a serious relationship with a God-fearing man for a half a year now. Recently, we’ve been spending more time with each other because he is home from college for the holidays. It seems like every time we see each other, we’re always cuddling or very physical with each other. Mind you, the first five months of our relationship were primarily getting to know each other over face time and phone calls as he was a couple hours away for college and it’s virtually impossible for me to travel eight hours because my child is less than a year old right now. SO as you can imagine, we like each other very much. I actually love him. We’ve even exchanged “I love you’s” on many occasions. However it seems like our feeling have been growing much stronger since spending more time together in person. Well recently, we’ve begun basically doing most things sexually, except actual intercourse. I’ve been trying to restrain myself as much as I can because we are both committed to our relationship with the Lord, and try to be extremely faithful to His word - as we were even before meeting each other. We know sexual immorality is wrong, and we do not want to sin. It seems that I have more trouble with this than him however. He’s really good at almost getting there but then stopping before it goes fully there. And I don’t know why but he seems to be okay with that, I guess. It’s much harder for me to want to stop. I’m sure it is for him too, but it’s different from me. We both have gotten confirmation from our pastors to take it to the next level of engagement when desired since we’ve been seeing each other longer than six months and have had a great deal of time to get to know each other. My child seems to like him, and everything seems to have flown and worked out really well. I’m afraid to talk to him about how I’m feeling because I know financially we are not ready for marriage. He’s only in his last year of college, and I know how he feels about wanting to have everything financially in order, but we clearly cannot continue on with this unmarried. It feels good and I don’t want to stop doing what we’ve been doing, and I know if I tell him, this we will stop everything completely. I want to do all those things and more, just not while we are not married. We shouldn’t be giving each other covenant benefits without that level of commitment, and I want to tell him that without making it seem like I’m forcing him to marry me right now. I don’t know if I can continue seeing him in person at this time if we are not able to get married, because it’s just too strong of an attraction. What do I do? How do I talk to him about this without making it seem like I’m forcing marriage, and assure him simultaneously that it’s not because I don’t like him - without seeming to encourage sexual immorality? Thank you.
Response: Thank you for reaching out with your question. It’s wonderful to hear that you have been able to meet someone who loves you and respects you and who you love in return. Relationships like that are beautiful and a gift from God, and it is important to remember to keep Him at the center of your relationship – involving Him in every aspect. These physical desires you are both feeling are completely normal, were placed in humanity by God himself, and are actually a very healthy and necessary part of a husband-wife relationship. Don’t run from them or try to wish or pray away these feelings, just think through how to best manage them until you are married. Often this involves calling on accountability partners and other strengths outside of ourselves – namely, the Holy Spirit. God can and will help you remain sexually pure until marriage if you lean entirely on Him and let Him guide your next steps.
As you already know, the Bible says that we should abstain from having sex outside of marriage. God created both sex and marriage and intended for sex to happen within marriage. Cuddling, kissing and hugging are fine but when you both notice that the moment is getting too intense, it is good that you are both able to stop and rethink the choices that you are making. God will still love and accept you both if things go too far in your relationship before marriage – so I don’t want you to think that one mistake means all is lost. God hasn’t given us these instructions to keep us from being happy. Rather, the opposite is true. Sex is such a big deal, such a huge bonding moment, that God knows and is trying to protect us from that connection being broken once it is established. He doesn’t want us to feel the brokenness that can come from losing the partner we aligned our mind, heart, and body with. It sounds like you are already aware of God’s recommendations surrounding premarital purity, and are looking for advice on how to have this conversation with your boyfriend, and what steps you need to take to prevent yourself from breaking your conviction.
I want to say right out, marriage is a big deal – and it’s okay to not quite be ready to take that step. It’s also okay if you know you’re ready, and it’s just faster or sooner than what you imagined beforehand. For some people, they meet their significant other and three months later, they are married. Others may date for seven plus years and still not be quite ready for marriage. That is the neat thing about relationships, there is no exact timeline or even deadline for when to move to the next stage in a relationship. The only really key thing here is that you are both on the same page in regards to the timeline and how quickly/slowly you’d like to take things. The key to this is communication. By communicating to your partner that you are interested in marriage and being with him long term, he can then also share his thoughts and feelings about that topic and your relationship. You will gain insight into where his mind is at as far as the timing of things goes.
The best way to essentially kill two birds with one stone is by talking to your boyfriend about both the physical parts of your relationship and if you are both ready for a lifetime together – the two go hand in hand after all. You are right that you don’t want to come across as condoning premarital sex, but you also want to avoid sounding like you’re pushing marriage on him. The best method in my opinion is always to just be straightforward and honest about how you are feeling.
When you first started dating, it was easier to really connect emotionally since you were both long distance. Now with him closer and exploring the physical side of the relationship, it is important to establish boundaries so that you are both on the same page. Have this conversation with him and hear what he has to say about the level of intimacy he is comfortable with. Another thing to help with keeping those boundaries safe is to make sure that you create a safe environment that will lessen the likelihood of a sexual encounter. Invite friends over to hang out and play games, go for a walk out in nature, learn how to cook a new dish together etc., are great date ideas that can be fun, romantic, and help you both a different style of intimacy together.
The relationship does not have to end simply because the sexual tension is too much. Pray that God will give you both the strength and wisdom to refrain from having premarital sex, engage in activities that will not lead to a sexual experience and have open and honest communication with your boyfriend. If he truly loves you and you love him, you both will be able to work as a team to better your relationship with each other and with Christ.
Sexual attraction is normal so don’t beat yourself up for wanting to be with him sexually. I urge you both to have these hard and open conversations, come up with creative ways to spend time with each other that lessen the chance for sex, and really get to know him more. You will feel 10 times better after talking to him rather than letting these feelings bottle up until you explode. Once you guys establish your boundaries in regards to sexual intimacy and get on the same page about how fast/slow you want to take things commitment wise, you’ll feel so much relief. Remember to always pray and keep God at the center of your conversations and decisions as a couple.
