How should I respond when someone at church expresses themselves in a way that makes me wonder about their gender identity?
Q: One of the girls in my church dresses like a boy. I don't know if she identifies as a boy because we are not that close. I think she feels comfortable in those clothes. She has short hair. She is very curvy so you can tell she is a girl in boy clothes. I don't judge her. I don't know if what she is doing is completely wrong or not. I don't know sometimes how to interact with her. I feel sad sometimes when I see people going towards a path that might be difficult, but it's their decision and I don't know what to do to help.
A: Based on what you've shared, I can understand why this has caught your attention and raised questions for you. Sometimes when someone makes noticeable changes in how they present themselves, it can reflect deeper questions, struggles, experiences, or convictions that others may not fully see. It's not wrong to notice that or to wonder how best to respond. At the same time, it's important to remember that we don't know someone's full story from the outside. There may be things she's working through that she has never shared with anyone.
What encourages me is that your concern seems to come from a place of care rather than criticism. You aren't asking, "How do I judge her?" You're asking, "How do I love her well?" That's a much healthier question.
I also hear the sadness in your message. It can be difficult when we see someone making choices that concern us, or when we're unsure whether they are moving in a direction that aligns with God's design. Many believers experience that tension. We care about people, and sometimes we worry about the paths they're walking. But it's important to remember that our role is not to change people. Only God can transform a heart. Our responsibility is to love people well, speak truth when the opportunity and relationship allow for it, and reflect Christ in the way we interact with them.
From what you've described, she is friendly, her family is kind, and she is part of your church community. That gives you an opportunity not to analyze her from a distance, but simply to know her as a person. Sometimes the most Christlike thing we can do is move closer rather than further away. Not to investigate, but to genuinely care.
If she ever chooses to share something personal about her identity, struggles, or beliefs, then you can respond with both honesty and grace. But until then, I would encourage you not to let uncertainty create awkwardness or distance. Be friendly. Be respectful. Treat her with the same dignity and kindness you would want someone to show you.
Jesus was never afraid to draw near to people whose lives were complicated. He didn't compromise truth, but neither did He withhold compassion. People were often drawn to Him because they experienced both grace and truth in His presence.
For now, perhaps the best thing you can do is pray for her, get to know her as a person, and trust God with the things you cannot see. You don't need to have all the answers to be a faithful friend and a faithful follower of Christ.
