Losing My Virginity: What I Didn't Know
I never understood the importance of waiting until after I lost my virginity. I guess we can’t understand the value of what we possess until we give it away. The world tells you that casual sex is fun and exciting—men can have casual sex, why can’t you? Yet the inescapable truth is, you’re a woman. And for the record, it doesn’t turn out well for men either—they also succumb and are wounded by societal pressures and expectations. While our focus is the daughters of God, this appeal also applies to young men who find themselves facing the same situations.
A woman’s worth is not contingent upon her virginity. Losing your virginity does not equate to losing your value as a person. In fact, there is absolutely nothing you can do that diminishes your worth. However, our emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being is wound intimately around how this precious gift is given away. When the “love of your life” walks OUT of your life, the reason it hurts so badly is because the bond that was created between you and him was NEVER meant to be broken.
Sex is more than just a bodily function, a mere carnal act of instinct with little to no significance. The Devil has done a lot of damage by distorting our perception of sex, characterizing it as either a necessary evil for procreation or a trivial physical act. Both are blasphemy against the character of God who invented both marriage and sex. He gave us sex as a form of enjoyment and a means of intimate bonding between a man and woman. Sex is a gift from God. It’s okay to enjoy it 😉, but it changes you forever. This change can be good if your gift is given to the right person. When we choose poorly or choose to soon by giving into emotion and chemical highs, make no mistake, you will be emotionally torn in two. I’m not trying to scare you. I’m only trying to warn you.
I sit here writing this after counseling a friend who lost her virginity in an abusive relationship. After a broken engagement, she finds herself in a dark place, feeling used, dirty, and unworthy of love. She feels dead inside and haunted by the wedding dress hanging in her room, seeming to taunt her with all his broken promises. These are her words, not mine. I’ve told her, and will continue to tell her for as long as it takes, that her value is not tied to her virginity. She is and will always be a daughter of the Most High. So are you. Christ gave up eternity for every one of us on the cross while “we were still sinners” (Romans 5:8). Authentic purity is a heart and spiritual status, not a physical state. Her true value is secured by her identity in Christ, the Savior of mankind and Forgiver of all sins. I have and will continue to remind her that she can be washed by the love of Christ as poured out by His blood, and in Him she is clean. She only needs to surrender to Him and welcome His gift of renewal. In Him, she can be a new creation. But…right now, she can’t hear me. These words cannot reach her. Can they reach you? Only time, prayer, patience, compassion, and love can help her until she brings herself to the One who loved her enough to die on a cross.
She’s changed forever, but not in the way that love had been designed. I personally was not prepared for what happened after my wedding night. Now this is not an opportunity for me to put myself on a “holier than thou” pedestal simply because I waited until marriage. No, I’ve made my mistakes too. I just never crossed that line. Sexual purity before marriage encompasses a wide variety of behaviors.
After many heartbreaks and failures, I gave my heart, mind, and body to God. After a long wait, God answered my prayers and sent me a redeemed, Godly man who never even attempted to cross any boundaries with me. In a courtship where I felt respected, protected, and cherished, I felt the most secure I had ever felt in a relationship. Counter-intuitive, I know. Our culture teaches us that physical intimacy is a means to security outside of marriage. We’re pressured into believing that it’s necessary to practice with as many partners as possible and improve our skills in order to please our future husband. It’s a way to keep him coming back until he commits, but again, that’s a lie. IT’S A LIE. An ungodly man will take what he wants and then leave you with the mess. Often their promises are means to satisfy their lust, and then bored, they’ll throw you aside like yesterday’s trash. Make no mistake, a Godly man will never push or cross your boundaries. A true man of God will respect your body and not pressure you. You can say no. If he leaves you because you don’t give in, it means he was going to walk out of your life eventually anyway.
My husband and I held hands only after we were officially engaged. Our first kiss was at the altar. After a broken road, we finally felt like we did it right. I was in my thirties, and he was in his forties. Yes, it’s possible, and no, we’re not total social outcasts, unattractive or super awkward. We have security and freedom in a relationship without regrets, shame or guilt. I didn’t know this was possible in the real world until it happened to me. It is a modern-day miracle.
While the wedding night was not a surprise (seriously, let’s not pretend we don’t know how this works), the emotional and mental impact rocked me to the core. Days after that first night, I found myself overwhelmed with emotion and feeling bound to him in ways I never imagined. One night, my darling husband found me crying in the tub because I was overcome by feeling so much. I could not describe it to him, I only knew that I wanted him near me. My cup was running over, and I was struggling to process all my emotions as a result of my body’s reaction to all the chemical exchanges between us. It was wonderful and terrifying at the same time—a mystery. I am a mentally healthy person, but I was not prepared. I felt blindsided by a landslide of emotions. I’d heard of people crying from joy, but I had never experienced it before. I had been given a priceless gift that resonated throughout my entire body and soul.
The Bible describes marriage as a mystery, and I think the shared physical bond is a big part of that mystery. I found myself connected to another soul on a level I didn’t know existed before. It gives me a deep happiness, and overtime, our bond continues to grow stronger. When we’re apart for long periods of time, I sense an emptiness, an incompleteness that can only be cured by his return. What if he never returned? I would be devastated by a hole that could never be filled. He will always be a part of me now. It’s abundantly clear to me now that God intended this bond to only be broken by the power of death.
Sexual intimacy with one long-term partner actually improves the mental health and well-being of both women and men. On the other hand, multiple partners and casual relationships correlate to increased psychological distress, depression, anxiety, and more for both genders. Viewing sex from an outsider’s perspective gives a false impression because the depth of what is happening cannot be seen. You see, the physical part of sex is only the surface, a crude reflection of something that reaches deep into the soul.
Using protection cannot guard you from the emotional, mental, and spiritual repercussions. Perhaps we don’t talk about it, because like me, I’m not sure what to say or how to describe it—so we focus on the physical act. Before the wedding I received a lot of knowing winks and cryptic advice. I know now that it’s not out of prudence that everyone is silent. They simply don’t want to cheapen it with words. Perhaps that’s why God calls it the mystery of marriage. Mysteries are, by their nature, indescribable. God gave us marriage and this bond as a foretaste of Heaven, but when abused or misused, it becomes a slice of hell that can torment you. I wanted my friend to taste Heaven, but now I watch her in pain. Virginity isn’t a badge; it’s a boundary to our innermost being that must be jealously guarded until true love is awakened and consecrated by the oath of life-long commitment.
Dear gorgeous2god, protect your virginity—or reclaim it now in Christ and start anew. In a world where women are degraded and told it is empowerment, in a world that tells you to give yourself away freely, know that true strength is found in the dignity of enforcing boundaries. Anything less is a lie. Choose wisely who you bind yourself to. Don’t let just anyone leave this kind of mark on your soul. I’m asking you to wait and follow God’s plan. Trust me, it’s worth it. If you’ve given yourself away to the wrong guy, understand that Jesus always considers you worthy of His love. When presented with the adulterous woman, Jesus did not condemn her, he simply told her to “go and sin no more.” No matter what, gorgeous, you are worthy of respect and the love of a Godly man. Recommit yourself today, and let God do the rest.