What’s happening when he stops calling?
I'm interested in someone...someone in particular--which doesn't happen all that often...about two years ago was the last time I seriously liked and wanted to date a guy. This gent and I live far apart. We got along so well for a couple weeks that I really didn't want to talk to anyone else. Even though I realized there would be some real challenges to work through (worldviews, distance) he was so kind and witty and driven that I thought I’d better at least get to know him! He was planning on driving out to CA, partially to see me. The last couple weeks, He hasn't made time to call me, though I let him know how much I appreciate phone calls and need them to feel valued. For me, a couple 30 minute calls a week is the minimum investment level if someone wants to get to know me. ONE, if he's super busy for a week and lets me know it’s gonna be a squeeze. Anyone who likes me can spare that, unless they're on top of their roof in the lower ninth ward and waiting rescue from flood waters.
I'm a little sad, because he hasn't initiated contact in over a week. It might have been two had I not called him last Monday. I've been praying about him since we met--that if there is any good in this that God will make it beautiful, and if it's not to his glory, to just let it fizzle. I think it’s fizzling, but there's such a peace in having a friend in Jesus.
The part that stings a bit is just the wondering--if he likes me as much as he’s said, why can't he just call? What’s happening? Has he lost interest so soon? Is he talking to other girls? Does he just have so much going on that he's overwhelmed and can't put the brain space in to even let me know how confused he is?
YEP, YEP and YEP! Probably all these things and more. Here's the thought Jesus gave me this morning: "there's just no room in his garage right now". I truly believe this fella is a good man. I fully believe he has the best intentions, but for some reason he just can’t bring himself to call me. Ladies, I hate to do the weird comparison to the sports car, but that's what came to mind this morning, so here you go...
If you're a HIGH VALUE woman, which of course you are--even if you don't know it yet--you're one of those rare beauties...maybe a sports car, maybe one of those sweet, vintage cars with perfectly updated interior and pearly paint and FINS! I love fins! Anyway, there are SO many things that could be going on with this guy and SO many excuses that he could give if you were to put him on the spot, (busy, stressed, confused about you) but here is what I think God was saying through this analogy he put in my brain.
Like a high-value car takes extra investment, care and protection, a high-value woman is a huge investment of time and emotional effort for a man. Not everyone CAN or is willing to invest that much. A guy who is used to buying less quality cars might balk when he sees the price tag of the one he wants and decide to settle for something less. Similarly, if a high-value woman has higher standards (frequent communication, investment, physical purity) than he’s used to, the guy may go back to his comfort zone and settle on a woman of lower quality or take more time in the decision making process because he has to figure out how to rearrange things to be able to make the deal work. He might not invest EVEN IF he clearly sees your value, because he knows there will be sacrifice. That’s ok too. Let him work through that on his own. He’ll either be the kind of guy to rise to the challenge, or he won’t, in which case you can move on to a higher-value man.
Additionally, high-value cars require space! A guy might buy a couple junky part-cars and leave them out in the elements, but his dream car WILL be garage-kept. Before he gets that dream car, he probably has to clear out the garage…maybe even sell and get rid of all the things that are currently occupying that space. That seems to be what this guy I’m interested in is going through. He wants the high-value I offer, but has to be willing to clear some space. That’s probably a painful process. Knowing that I’m super involved in gospel work and that I’d want him to be a part of my religious life probably means giving up some other things. He knows that a relationship with me would likely be good, but right now he’s only 4 months out of a long term relationship. He wants my company, but can’t quite get rid of the other stuff in the garage just yet to make the space I would need. Again, I fully believe this guy is amazing, he’s just wading through a bunch of life right now.
I don’t know if he’ll make room or not. I hope he does, but I can’t become a part-car while I wait. I’m top of the line! I still like him, but my standards are not arbitrary—I truly need his investment of time to even consider getting to know him. I won’t be happy without it and I would become resentful, which would just ruin both of us. So, I gotta let him go. The last text I sent was that I was sad because I was forgetting his voice, with a pouty emoji. He could have called, but he didn’t. He sent back a text. I would love a phone call one of these days, but since he’s not investing, neither can I.
All this to say: If you were talking regularly and now you’re not, here’s what you do:
1. Pray. Seriously, pray so hard for God’s leading. I’d hate for you to throw something away because of a misunderstanding, but if there is no communication, there is no relationship.
2. List. Write down your minimum needs/standards. This goes for anything, not just communication. Don’t be demanding, just state what you know you need to be able to feel right about pursuing or continuing a relationship.
3. Inform. If you haven’t specifically let your person know what you need to be happy, do so. Do it super-sweetly. You might be in a place, early on (like I am) where you don’t feel like you have the right to ask for some things, but if it’s bothering you, go ahead and say, “I realize this is kind of early on, but you seem like the kind of person who wants to make life good for others. My life would be better if _____"
4. Move On. Assuming you have CLEARLY asked for what you want (Hi! It really means a lot when, we talk regularly. Could you schedule a call with me at least once a week?) and they’ve had a couple chances to get it right. If they’re not delivering, you have to let them go, for everyone’s sake. Don’t give your mental energy to someone who is not able to give you theirs. Don’t invest time in someone who hasn’t made an investment in you. (Texting is very low investment, btw.) You are not a part-car. Walk away until they’ve made room in their garage. The words they use don’t make investment, the actions they take do!
Ok, I’m praying for you! Pray for me too. Doing what’s best takes some bravery! Know that God has your life worked out!